The day my ex-husband left I did not think it was to be forever. Initially he stormed out of our home over an incident that wasn’t even ‘us’ based…to be blunt, it seemed like all of a sudden, he simply wanted out and didn’t want to talk about it or work anything through…he’d made up his mind all on his own.
I never blamed God.
I wasn’t angry at God, I had unanswered questions but just laid low for quite some time and loved my kids.
I remember one day when the reality really sunk in that he wasn’t coming home, I broke down in such tremendous grief, a close relative insisted on taking me to see a doctor.
A pointless activity; I only needed LOVE not the prescribed prescription for anti-anxiety medication which I didn’t use or need to use.
The point was my grief was real and people wanted a quick fix for me...but I am glad I chose to let God heal me.
I prayed, read my Bible, went to church and cried.
I don’t remember asking God why very much…I just let Him love me and love me He did!
He began to show me a side of myself I didn’t know…or perhaps more so, a side of myself that had been not allowed to grow before. The buds of talent that had emerged as a girl but had not blossomed, begun to bloom and people also began to notice, saying things like, ‘You’re amazing blah blah…’ but I would shake my head and say, ‘Ah no, it’s not me…I couldn’t do this alone…I’d be a mess without Jesus…’. To which many would respond with a confused look upon their face.
I began to get to know myself anew as a beloved, treasured daughter of The King!
Because God is truth He brings all things into the light, and after time when things came to be known, He continued to heal me even though separation wasn’t what I wanted and when my ex divorced me, I continued to trust The LORD even though I didn’t have a clear view of the future.
So I sit here today, having just turned 38 this week, and a decade (almost to the day) since I was born again (praise Jesus) about to enter a new decade and season. I have almost completed my ministry degree and am watching as things begin to unfold around me…for He has said to me that He has opened a door no-one can shut.
But I will be honest, I shed some tears today, after my ex-husband told me about his wedding next week (so that I could have our children organised for the day)…Tears for the loss of family. I do know God hates divorce.
Yet I also have come to a place in my Christian life where I am completely accepting God’s sovereignty over me. For me, this has meant I’ve had to contemplate God’s ability to have softened and changed my ex-husband’s heart toward me, also knowing He let my ex choose his own path.
It means that I have shed tears due to the loss but continue to TRUST God anyway…!
It means I am looking at things in a new light. I am looking at things around me that I honestly don’t know if they would have been possible had my ex stayed…maybe, maybe not and I am okay about it.
I do not believe tears mean someone is weak, lacking faith, or that they are not grateful for things in their life from God. I believe tears with God are HEALING tears!
I read the other day a single person said because they had both cold and hot water they would be grateful…and while it’s true we should be grateful for clean water because without it we can’t survive…I believe the desire and human need for loving, meaningful, significant and real relationships with others is also just as important.
I believe God wants us to lead peaceful lives in relationship with Him and others…and I don’t want to just exist because I have clean water! I want to LIVE a life of meaning and purpose and this is one of peace with God and others.
So no matter what The LORD allows or removes from my life, I will choose to bless His Holy Name and live for Him. For He gives me what no man can! I will choose to focus upon the truth that I have eternal life through Jesus Christ, such a precious gift that nothing here can come close to. I choose to remember scriptural truths that I am beloved and He has good plans for me, for His Kingdom and glory, to combat the enemy and his arrows of negativity and rejection.
I stand on Christ the solid rock, for indeed it is only by Him that I stand at all and cannot be shaken! Melanie.
Blessed Be Your Name, Matt Redman: