Pastoral Care 4 Pastors?

With the recent news of an American Pastor taking his own life recently, many of us I’m sure felt shock, disbelief, and heartbreak alongside other emotions.

I’m also sure many of us would have thought… “Why would a Christian pastor with a loving young family take their own life? Surely that’s something only a ‘Judas’ would do?”

I’m sorry to write so bluntly, but I’m sure many of us would have been so shocked and thought just this, however good can come out of tragic circumstances if we keep soft hearts, and just keep talking from a place of love.

Having recently finished working in full-time paid pastoral ministry, and having mental illness in my family line, I would like to offer a small contribution to this conversation, as I read that “Depression is real with pastors. It seems to be pervasive.’ See,  '5 Reasons pastors get depression (and why they don't talk about it'.

Please note that what I’m about to write is solely based on my own experience and opinions. It is not therefore necessarily the ‘norm’ or the only advice or perfect solutions.

Back Story: As someone with mental illness in their family line, with immediate relatives having experienced anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorders, depression, drug use and suicide along with other issues and often more than one issue at once, I know what mental illness can be like. Although I do not like it in any way, I’m also appreciative that today as family we can share about these problems openly. I just wish, still to this day that my own dad didn’t suicide.

As someone who has not only worked in a paid pastoral position, also for years in a voluntary capacity, I also know what a lack of pastoral care is like and what a wonderful necessary resource both good pastoral care and self-care is. Here are some of my thoughts for consideration to this now ‘world-wide’ discussion. I hope they could become both conversation starters and prayer points:

• Less Blame: A positive improvement within Christian groups is a less ‘blame orientated’ approach to mental illness. This is very helpful for Christians trying to live their life faithfully for Jesus, while working through their own personal ‘invisible’ issues. I know from personal experience that someone suffering from mental illness is not necessarily someone who is sinning, nor are they someone who has not dealt with something in their past. These could be factors certain individuals need addressing, however it’s presumptuous and arrogant to approach mental illness struggles in such a clinical, cold manner. People with these struggles need delicate pastoral care, understanding, someone to listen and empathy. They are already struggling, often not like themselves for their issues, so blame only makes things worse in their own minds. 

• Encouraging and Equipping: Contrary to what some may think, mental Illness struggles do not mean someone is unable to serve or work in a pastoral capacity. I’m personally of the opinion, from both personal experience and reading academic articles, that work is good for people with such struggles. Pastors may not share openly if they’re in a ‘bad patch’ with their elders, from a fear of being made to take time off. Enforced time off with no significant reason, is both disrespectful and inconsiderate. If anyone (pastor or not) shares that they’re having a ‘bad time’ and is not asking for time off, work will help them through it. Enforced time off could make a person feel they’re unable to manage their own mental health, and therefore add to the problem due to a lack of work to occupy their mind, and also creating a possible added financial strain. 

People with depression flairs need a reason to keep getting out of bed each day. People in a bout of poor mental illness often already know what they need as they’ve gotten through it before. What’s most needed is often simply a listening ear, and prayer. They do not need anything not asked for, even if you think it’s right; such as your advice, asking others to pray, notifying elders and so on. They need someone they can trust, who will remind them of all the wonderful things they have done, and who will encourage them by reminding them that God has good works still for them to do. They need to be encouraged and equipped, not burdened further and made to feel shame, embarrassment or like a failure. 

• Increased Empathy: For Christians who do not understand what mental illness is like, have you considered that pastors are not immune, not because of sin, rather because they are human and their own experiences with human fragility help them to be humble and empathetic. Think of St Paul with his ‘thorn’ and of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 that teaches us we experience suffering to know His comfort and therefore are able to comfort others. Many pastors are sensitive people. I know many pastors who rely on Jesus for their ministry everyday as it is very challenging for them. Let's not forget that many are able, like Jesus, to sympathise with others because of what they've experienced.

• Lack of Resources: This may seem like a strange point, given I’m writing as a Christian who lives in a first world country, but it has been my experience and here’s why:

For a start, being a Christian already limits the numbers of professional people available for Christian Pastors to talk through their issues with. I have honestly been met with the statement from more than one person, “You don’t need to debrief to a Christian, a professional psychologist is better than no-one!” To me as a mature Christian, this statement is honestly abhorrent. What do I have in common with an unbeliever? How could I share my issues and pastoral/theological concerns with someone who has no idea of scripture, theology, or a heart for God, others and prayer??? In a vulnerable state, why would I open myself up even more so to the enemy and unbiblical, liberal psychology?

In this situation I have been left to ‘find someone’ myself that I am comfortable with. However the next hurdle I have found is finding a mature, theologically-compatible Christian for faithful pastoral care. Just because someone is a Christian does not mean they are biblically sound and have the necessary life experience I need to be a suitable fit.

It is a challenge at times to find such a person but I do know The Lord provides for our needs, we just need to be persistent, prayerful and discerning in our search. Often having the assistance of others, or simply knowing we do is a good way for the burden to be shared.

I’ve observed that due to the lack of resources available to pastors oftentimes their wife or husband is their main pastoral carer. Sometimes this works great and other times it doesn’t due to a multitude of too many possible reasons to list here. We often assume other pastors would be a great resource, however they themselves are often in need, or I’m sorry to say, someone who is untrustworthy. Pastors are human and may possibly speak to others in the pastoral team about one’s concerns. You see, sometimes pastors want to appear to the church and their fellow pastors as ‘having it all together’ and/or as ‘spiritually mature’ and therefore don’t keep details shared private. Furthermore oftentimes pastors aren’t fully trained in Christian counselling and therefore are untrained for delivering professional Christian pastoral care/counselling/de-briefing sessions. 

To continue, in most scenarios, Pastors cannot be pastorally cared for by anyone in their own congregation. I know of many churches where this is not permitted. In all circumstances it’s dictated that Pastors need to be the one giving the pastoral care. They must be the bullet-proof, strong head of the flock. In Bible College I found this also to be the premise taught and encouraged. A Pastor is advised to pastorally care for others, with his/her own boundaries in place to protect themselves. While boundaries are necessary in ministry work, I think this absolute insistence is why most Pastors don’t have real friends close by they can call on outside of work hours. It’s why most take time off far away, alone. Isolated sabbatical is often referred to as necessary, like Jesus going away from the disciples to pray alone, and is actually mandated in some denominations, without asking the pastor what they would prefer.

Do we consider they already pray alone each day, and may be more extroverted, needing friends close by to have fun with? Yet this standard is not just issued from denomination apostles, I found it’s also an unspoken cultural norm in some congregations. I found some people treat pastors as commodities to serve their own needs. They desire a spiritually mature pastor they can call on in times and vent to…plus having the title of pastor is always handy when a referee is needed! This may sound harsh and cold but it has been my observation of some Christians. Being a pastor is often for many a lonely cross to bear…

Scripture is always our best guide, and while we often read of the disciples struggling, I also read of Jesus being friends with his disciples, being supported, encouraged and comforted by them. Furthermore I read this in the reports of tears by Paul and his fellow believers when leaving. The early church met in homes and shared everything. The clergy/laity divide is something the church invented for its own advantage and I believe has backfired.

• Spiritual Attack and Liberal Theology: Pastors minister on the front line, and it’s not disputed that they come under spiritual attack often. They need support and prayer daily. With more and more reports of poor mental health being presented by clergy we’re beginning to hear about this today more often. I’m not going to say why as that would be foolish. There could be many, many reasons for this and we simply do not have every answer. Some ideas regarding what seems to be a rise revolve around modern diets, lifestyles, or simply more people speaking out. Whatever the reason not all are just spiritual. Some are, let’s not ‘throw the baby out with the bath water’, so to speak…But let’s also not get so modern with our ideas that they become unbiblical and spiritual reasons are no longer even a possibility. And please let’s not get so liberal that ‘suicide’ is a valid Christian option! Or heaven-forbid we become so liberal that the theology of suffering is considered antiquated and no longer a blessing for bearing His Name! 

• Lack of self-care, boundaries and self-awareness: Self-care is mentioned a lot in pastoral circles today! That’s because it’s so important. Yes, we need to practice self-care to manage our own well-being and therefore mental health but we also need to manage our own boundaries with ourselves to make us more self-aware. Now this is totally my own opinion but it’s based on personal experience and I think is therefore worthy of consideration. As I said earlier we hear a lot about boundaries with others, but what about ourselves? Let me ask you, why do so many in pastoral care suffer from burn out when they learn so much about the importance of self-care? 

I think many may stop practicing self-care as over time they lose the ability of being self-aware from a lack of personal boundaries’ due to ministering from a place of desiring to please others first and God second without even knowing this!

I also think people become ‘burnt-out’ because they indeed stop practing self-care…but what about the why? Why do they stop practicing self-care? I believe they become so run-down from a lack of personal boundaries, in their desire to please God that they lose the ability to be self-aware and get to a place of being unable to really see their own desperate need for respite.

When we serve, and serve, and serve, without putting out own personal boundaries in place to ensure our own time for private prayer, reflective time, fitness and friends…we really are people pleasing, not God pleasing and Pastors must know this! They must have personal devotional time, praying, meditating upon Jesus in a personal and meaningful way, and of course through the personal reading of scripture and churches MUST allow this.

When we serve, and serve, and serve, paid or voluntary, we can become so run-down we can lose the ability to be self-aware and this, I believe, is how burn-out happens.

The truth is there will always be need. The Gospel is always needing to be preached, and to be heard. People will always be hungry but we need to step and go where He leads, not just where we think. He also leads us into times of rest.

After two years of intense pastoral care/counselling ministry I was in need of a break and The Lord led me into an enforced one due to some circumstances beyond my control. In all honesty I’m not sure I would have otherwise…But my prayer is always for Him to guide me. I struggled early on for a time with false guilt, as I discovered sometimes the job title gives us a sense of being a mature Christian, when we’re simply still ‘jars of clay’…sometimes the title pastor gives us a ‘human assurance’ rather than His peace, and this shouldn’t be so…Sometimes it's just so difficult to not feel 'lesser-than' and compare ourselves to others in ministry we think are "so much better than us as they don't need a break!" Or to feel this MUST be what other's think of us...Sometimes we're our own worst enemy...

Please be assured, I am passionate about this subject as I am someone who has experienced what poor mental health is like both personally and professionally in ministry.

There isn’t a day that I don’t wish my own biological dad didn’t believe suicide was a valid option…possibly that his only way to Jesus was through the afterlife rather than here and now.

There are days when I read or hear news that absolutely breaks my heart, especially horrific details of abuse so often to women and children and I cry inside…”Come, Lord Jesus”…I also know what anxiety is like and how it can physically change someone at times and I think, “How long, Lord Jesus?”

Yet more often there are times I experience great joy, His amazing peace and His love from other Christians and I am strengthened and encouraged to continue on till He returns or calls me home.

Hope this post provides some 'food for thought' and also encourages you to uphold your pastors in prayer!

In His Love and service (regardless of a human-given title), Melanie.