HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’VE FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON TO MARRY: 5 questions to consider.

Marriage is hard.

Really hard. But it’s also a wonderful blessing, so it’s really important that we’re wise in discerning if the person we’ve met or are possibly dating is someone right for us to marry.

Marriage is a big commitment. There’s no option to just move-out discreetly with dignity intact, when you’ve made the public and legally binding obligation to become someone’s spouse. 

It’s true, no matter how civil and mature you both may handle the situation, marriage is always bigger than the two of you, and the painful ripples of separation and divorce go so much further than we could ever imagine, until experiencing it for ourselves… 

Yes, it’s a lot harder than living with someone.

The legal web of separating and dividing EVERYTHING is painful enough…but it’s not just assets. The rigmarole alone of changing your legal name, and furthermore to have it used by others is an emotional roller-coaster in itself… 

Yes, marriage is hard, as it comes with not only the cost of commitment, it involves true faith, risk and vulnerability. Marriage is unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced. It can be the worst when it was never right to begin with and also the best when based on friendship, commitment and compatibility… 

I’ve heard many people say the first year of a new marriage is the most difficult and I would say eighteen months into my second, I agree. But thankfully this time around I was much wiser, thanks to God, and I made a much, much, better choice. And so, I want to write this post to hopefully help someone else. It’s based upon what I’ve learned over 17 years in my first marriage, five years of singleness, a courtship in my late, late 30s and now eighteen months of marriage. Let me know if it helps you, I’d love to know! 

How to know if you’ve found the right person to marry: 5 questions to consider.

1. Do I really like this person?

The first and most important question is this. Do I like this person? As in, do I really like this person for who they are, their personality, core values and for how they value and treat me? Ask yourself, is this a person I actually WANT to be friends with? It’s important to realise that REALLY liking someone is different to infatuation because infatuation is selfish and consuming, whereas REALLY liking someone is respectful and healthy. 

Don’t ask yourself, is this someone I could fall in love with? Because we can often associate lust, sex, and romantic illusions with love. I have found some people get caught up in the whole ‘sexual attraction’ topic. When in real-life, if you REALLY like someone first, you’ll probably find yourself sexually attracted to them soon enough, even if you weren’t at first sight! 

When you ask yourself, do I like this person, this is not meaning whether you consider this person a friend! If someone is in your ‘friend zone’ they will probably stay there. 

Ask yourself, is this someone I would spend time with, even if I received no material benefits? Ask yourself, is this someone I honestly believe I will still REALLY like and consider a cool person in five or more years? Everyone changes and grows, do you really like this person enough to change and grow with them for the rest of your life? 

You need to consider if you really like this person, or whether they are just filling a void? Loneliness for example, is difficult to endure and can be countered with a healthy relationship, but it cannot be the reason you are in a relationship with someone. Marrying someone to meet a need such as loneliness, financial pressure, to provide your children with ‘another parent’, or to counter the fear of being single ‘forever’, and so on and so on, is actually selfish, and will most likely ultimately result in heartache for the other person and great disappointment for both. We can distract ourselves for a long time and convince ourselves of so many things when our heart is impatient and/or greedy, but eventually the carousel-ride stops and we get off. 

You really need to answer a complete YES to liking this person for who they completely are right now, because believe me, there will come days in your marriage when you’re hurt or upset at your spouse, and this foundation will help you through because the person you REALLY like is their usual disposition, not the one who has just upset you. If you never really liked the person to begin with, the problems which arise will become the catalyst for discontentment and contempt.



2. Do my family and trusted friends like this person?

A huge indicator as to whether or not you’ve found the right person

for you, is the approval from your close family (including your children if you have any) and friends. If they’re saying things that are negative about him/her in regards to their observations around how this person treats you, your children, or them when you’re not around, then this is a true RED-FLAG! You need to wisely consider their words as coming from people who love you, and consider you own possible bias and blindness. If their comments are negative due to vain things like the person’s occupation or assets, then that’s a different, materialistic or social-class concern, and it doesn’t mean the person isn’t genuine, likeable, or right for you.



3. Do our values align?

This is so important for a couple to make a lifelong commitment and solid life together. The Bible talks about people being “equally

yoked”. This comes from a long time ago when farmers would bind their oxen together with a wooden yoke. The two animals needed to plough the farmer’s field side-by-side. Your future field together in marriage is your home. Your home should be a safe and loving place for you and possibly your children and even grandchildren to spend time together. 

You need to marry someone you can work harmoniously with. This isn’t to say you won’t have difficult times, as these happen to everyone. The storms that will come will be difficult to endure, but indeed when you’re harnessed with a partner who works with you and not against you, the burden is shared. An example of two people being of the same religion is not what being equally yoked means. This allegory covers areas such as; spending and saving,

cleanliness, manners, forgiveness, reconciliation, ideologies, morals, health and fitness, use of medication, language used, generosity, children, dreams, interests, how to treat family, faith, theology, worldview and much more. What are your core values and do they align with this person’s?



4. Can I love this person?

In our western societies, it’s my opinion that it’s more helpful to think of love as a verb meaning commitment, rather than as

something we experience and feel, due to the fact the word love as a noun in English, has become so tainted. To consider if you are able to love this person in action, try considering some secondary, similar questions; Could I be faithful sexually to this person even if I was tempted? Could I stay with this person if they became ill? Could I forgive this person if they betrayed my trust or seriously hurt my feelings? Can I put this person first, before myself and others? This is a tough question to contemplate and shouldn’t be rushed.



5. Do I have peace?

This question is two-fold. Firstly ask yourself, do I have peace in my heart in being with this person? Is the relationship upfront, honest and without baggage? Are they still legally married – HUGE RED FLAG! Is there something pulling on your conscience because you know something isn’t right?

Secondly ask yourself, does this person bring me peace? Is this person someone you can be held by and receive nurturing, comfort, relaxation and love from? Life is hard and your future life-long spouse should be someone you can unwind and relax with. They should be someone whom you feel safe and peaceful with. 

I truly hope these five questions are helpful to you in considering whether or not the person you’ve met and are possibly now dating is the right person for you to marry. As a Christian in my own journey I also prayed a lot through this process. I would like to encourage you by saying that patience is a gift from God, and is one we must choose to receive. We’re always learning and growing closer to Jesus while discerning, even if the outcome isn’t one we’d hoped for. His plan is always better, so it’s really important that we don’t make a poor choice and that we listen and use wisdom. The wait is worth it and necessary, as marriage is hard, really hard but also a wonderful blessing.

Melanie.