I'm on a holiday break from work at the moment, and truth be told I am somewhat of a “Martha” in how I express my love for Jesus...I can find it difficult to not work at times and just rest.
So, this morning with no set plans for the day, I decided I would do some work on a devotional I had been working on for over the past year or more. I was thinking of calling this new book, 'A Desert Flower Blooming', as it was a devotional based on my personal 'wilderness' experience and of course scripture. The theme was based upon what I believe The Lord had said to me after being in the 'wilderness' for a few years. It was something like, 'Don't wait until you're out of this wilderness to bloom for me, do it now!' Even though it was something personal I believe I needed to hear, I felt it may help others, and so I decided to write a book with all new content not published on the blog.
There were at times I wondered how much of 'my idea' the book was, but with quite a heavy workload I found the book to be a good outlet. It was also something that made me feel productive by giving me something to be 'working towards', because creative people, like myself, often find long-term projects tiresome.
I hadn't worked on the book for some months due to family, finishing work, moving back to Victoria, starting my new job and Christmas...No surprise there! But I had also enjoyed the break as I felt The Lord was still revealing new things that could impact the book.
This morning, after a lazy beginning I turned my laptop on, (still not entirely sure how much of the book idea was mine or God's) only to realise my laptop was new – My old one had 'died' when I dropped it some months back in South Australia and THAT was the laptop I had been using...Not this one! With some panic rising, I searched my one external hard drive and no, it was not there...I came to realise I had no way of retrieving my work.
I admit my first thought was a very fleshly one something like... “But I've told people about this new book! Oh my, people will either think I made it up, or that I'm stupid for not backing up...”
Yet, I have felt very strongly, recently that The Lord moved me back to Victoria for a fresh joy and new beginning for family and pastoral ministry/music purposes. None of which are related to a published writing career! Indeed I have been hearing His voice clearly time and time again over the past six months or so in relation to many things (moving back to Victoria is just one). The wonderful thing with hearing His voice over many years, is you actually do get better at distinguishing it from your own thoughts.
What I believe I heard this morning was something my pride did not really like so much...It was, “This work was not meant to be published, it was just between you and me, I'm calling you to a new thing...” So then I prayed (hoping I heard wrong) something like, “Lord, if it's your will for me to have this work let it be so!” I continued searching but could not find it, and found myself having to let go of this book idea, knowing the writing was meant to stay personal and cathartic.
I admit I was disappointed for a little while, as I had been excited about the idea of possibly being professionally published (yes, vain I know). I did contemplate taking the laptop to a professional to see if they could somehow retrieve the book...But honestly I don't think this is The Lord's will. You see, the thing with getting better at hearing His voice (I have found) is that it gets easier when you are obedient. And I really don't want to go backwards because seriously, who likes being confused? Not me! I've been there in the past with disobedience to His 'smaller, still voice' and following the louder, more exciting voice of my own.
I feel The Lord so gently and lovingly, has asked me to let go of this idea of mine which served a purpose over the past year, and to once again trust Him with His good plan for me. So I am letting go and letting Him lead, and in this I have His peace.
I am reminded once again, that my Father is Good and LOVES me more than I can fathom. I am a daughter of The King who loves me irrespective of what I ever do or produce! It is perfectly acceptable to rest and wait and it is much more profitable (for myself and others) to follow His leading more than my own ideas.
Love, as always, Melanie.
Let me leave you with, "Trust in You" by Laura Daigle.