Don’t
hold a pity party for the only guest who will turn up is the spirit of control: 5 Traits of Controlling People
Sometimes we all groan inwardly due to trials we
experience, pressure we endure or even spiritual attacks. Sometimes we can even
go through a season wondering, “What, do I have a sign on my forehead saying ‘feel
free to give me grief’?”
Yet we need to understand that the Christian journey is
one of sanctification to become more like Christ and a major part of this
transformation is the renewing of our mind.
The most wonderful truth of the gospel is we can go from VICTIM
to VICTOR through Christ Jesus.
You see, as human beings born into this world we inherit
a sinful disposition from Adam which leaves us broken and in need. We are
incomplete. Our mortal bodies and death should be testimony enough to this
fact. Death grieves us so much as it is not
a part of the way things should be. It is not
a part of original creation. We are victims of Satan and sin and need God to
save us.
When we realise our need and call out to God to forgive
us for our sin, to re-birth us with His sinless nature (receiving the blessed,
perfect Holy Spirit)...When we call out for salvation through Jesus Christ – the only
way possible because God made it, not us – we are transformed from Victim to
Victor. Our sin is nailed to the cross of Jesus, we are redeemed and we become
a child of God and a Victor of life through Jesus’ victory over death.
But we MUST hold firm to this truth in our mind during
our spiritual pilgrimage, for the enemy will try his best to attack our minds
and keep us in a place of spiritual immaturity where we still have the mind of
a victim, so that we do not bear much fruit for the Kingdom of God.
The enemy will plant unbiblical, negative thoughts in our
minds and water them with controlling people. I know this from experience, yet
I also choose to not feel sorry for myself from having had the experiences,
rather to learn from God through them and to share what I’ve learnt with others
for His Kingdom and Glory!
We need to grow in wisdom and discernment to SEE the
spirit of control for what it is a
tactic of the enemy to make us less productive. We need to understand that
we are NOT THE ONLY ONE undergoing
challenges and that we can help others from our experiences. When we are
experiencing hardship remember 1 Peter 5:6-11 and 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4.
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand
of God, so that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all
your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. Discipline
yourselves, keep alert. Like
a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to
devour. Resist him, steadfast in your faith, for you know
that your brothers and sisters in all the
world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering. And
after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has
called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, support,
strengthen, and establish you. To him be
the power forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:6-11.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus
Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all consolation, who
consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who
are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled
by God. 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4.
As a Christian when we do not have a mind of a VICTOR and
retain the unbiblical mentality of a victim, we begin to hold very lonely ‘pity
parties’ in our mind…we begin to entertain thoughts like;
Why
am I lacking…..x, y, z? (Fill in the blank; for it doesn’t really matter we
won’t be content with whatever we have)
Why
did I stuff up again?
When
will I ever be good enough?
Why
don’t I ever get a break?
Entertaining these thoughts in our very own pity-parties
keeps our minds from focusing upon the TRUTH which is we can be content in
whatever situation we find ourselves as CHRIST is ENOUGH, period! We DO NOT need to strive for perfection in
anything in our lives like finances or personal relationships, for Christ is
PERFECTION and His work for us has been completed once and for all on the
cross…We have gone from Victim to Victor no matter what anyone or the world may
do to us! What we now strive for is a close and intimate RELATIONSHIP with
Christ and from that will stem the fruit of peace and righteous living.
When we take our eyes off Christ Jesus and entertain these
thoughts in our own private pity parties, the only guest who will turn up is
the spirit of control and this is not of God.
You see God gives us His blessed Spirit who gives us the gift of self-control. He leads us is all truth and righteousness but we are not under robotic control.
I believe the spirit of control attacks us through other
people (yes, even those in the church). The following observations are from my
experiences and may help you discern and avoid the spirit of control
infiltrating your own life. I believe controlling people can exhibit the
following traits:
1.
They move quick ~
Controlling people will generally move quite quickly in
regards to relationship building. They will intentionally want to move through
friendship/relationship stages quite quickly which can leave someone feeling
quite baffled, as to how this still relatively ‘new’ person came to have such
authority in their life. Some moving
quick signs are people who do not follow social etiquette when they know better
like; texting at inappropriate hours; making contact too often; trying too hard
to make an impression. This moving quickly can be difficult to see as some
great and healthy friendships can also move quickly when people ‘hit-it-off’
but this moving quick point is still very valid, as it will be accompanied by
other traits. Remember there is NOTHING wrong with taking time to observe
people; getting to know them well before divulging private matters and limiting
contact with people when you simply choose to. Furthermore it is valid to
‘test’ people (1 John 4:1) if you feel things are moving too quickly. You could
simply cancel a catch-up and don’t say why (it is fine to keep details private) while reassuring them all is well. Watch for their
reaction. Is it healthy and mature or reactive making you feel anxious,
insecure or guilty? People who do not desire to control you will be respectful
and accommodating.
2. They
will not respect boundaries ~
Controlling people will perhaps at first seem to respect
boundaries but will begin to not respect your ‘fences’, rather hurdle them with
seemingly effortless ease after they’ve tested and perhaps found they are made of straw
rather than brick. A boundary I have experienced being tested is one of
physical intimacy. I had a Christian man at the beginning of our friendship try
to put his arm around me and later move in for a kiss with no prior discussion
or much thinking. Controlling people will take advantage of kind, good natured
people; it may be simply not respecting your schedule and ask you to run all
their errands too. They may expect you to skip church to do a different
Christian activity with them and tell you that their idea is more important. They will expect to be able to cancel plans
with you or not commit to a plan of yours, yet not extend the same grace to you. They will conduct themselves with a subtle
arrogance which even when unspoken conveys their boundaries matter while yours
are invalid. This disrespecting of boundaries can even be in professional
relationships; the controlling person will not keep the relationship
professional and will often treat the other person as lesser than, rather than as a colleague.
3. They
will be arrogant ~
Arrogance was mentioned in point no.2. However it does
deserve its own specific point. Controlling people may say all the right
things, especially in the early stages of a relationship as they will want you on
their side. They will want to eventually control your decisions, so they will
begin by winning your thoughts over, to convince you they are always right. This
will begin with flattery rather than true encouragement. Be wise and pay
attention to the negatives. This may sound harsh but we are to be as gentle as
doves, yet as wise as serpents (Matthew 10:16) as we live out our Christian
lives among wolves. A controlling person will flatter you, yet also subtly degrade
your self-confidence and autonomy in Christ. For example, “You are so beautiful
and therefore vulnerable to deceitful men!” Or “No I don’t believe what you
heard was from God…you defiantly have a gift of blah, blah but I have the gift
of discernment!” You will find controlling people find it difficult to admit when they are wrong and also to apologise.They will also find it difficult to submit
to others and will therefore be predominantly loners (because everyone else in
their opinion you will come to realise is wrong). They will not be involved as
a member of many groups and insist they are more of a leader. Controlling
people will if able, control your activity and participation in even Christian
service. At the beginning it may seem as if they are entrusting you with a task
but you will come to see that you will be only able to participate at their discretion.
For singles this point is important, as we can think making friends with
another single who doesn’t associate with many others is a good idea as they
may be lonely too…NO, it’s not! Stick to group activities to find healthier
friends.
4.
They will exhibit some traits found in 2 Timothy 3:
You must understand this, that in the last days
distressing times will come. For people
will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, arrogant, abusive,
disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, inhuman,
implacable, slanderers, profligates, brutes, haters of good, treacherous,
reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
holding to the outward form of godliness but denying its power. Avoid
them! For among them are those who make their way into
households and captivate silly women, overwhelmed by their sins and swayed by
all kinds of desires, who
are always being instructed and can never arrive at a knowledge of the truth. As
Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these people, of corrupt mind and
counterfeit faith, also oppose the truth. 2 Timothy 3: 1-8.
For example, I went to dinner once with a person who said all
the right Christian things yet had an air of arrogance and complained about the
waitress while treating her with rude indifference. The same person when I said
that I desired to live a simple life free from the love of money told me that
this wasn’t true and I deserved the best! I have experienced conversations with
people where they are happy to be heard, actually very happy to be heard, and
while they sprout they are open to discussion, have quickly downplayed my
remarks as simple or old fashioned. Controlling people will not encourage you to
do good deeds, being led by the Spirit, rather they will stifle you and inhibit
your Christian growth. Some people will even work against you serving in a way
they don’t think is right!
5. They will want to be Christ for you ~
I have intentionally left this point till last for I believe it
is the most important. A controlling person may seem at first to be so full of
godly wisdom, and they actually may truly give some, but it will become more and
more so that they will get you to a place in your life where you seek them
above Christ and this must NEVER be so. I have been blessed to experience true,
Christian encouragement in my life and I know this is interaction which builds me up; does not leave me questioning my integrity or worth; and never confuses me
or tells me what to do. It points me ALWAYS to spend more time with Christ for
clarity and confirmation not a person. I believe a true encourager will
foremost listen. They will then offer a scripture or word based upon scripture
which helps (never tears down). They will pray with you and exhort you to not
worry but continue to stay close to Jesus. They will be happy to let you have
time alone with God, even if they never see you again – they will be healthy
individuals, secure in their own relationship with Jesus and never desire to
replace God in your life and also have the wisdom to step away from people who desire
them to be so.
To conclude the fruit of the spirit is: love,
joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Look
for this fruit as evidence of genuine Christian people. Remember God will never
confuse you. Sometimes we may feel it is difficult to hear His voice when
competing ones are so loud in their effort to gain control over us. God will
not push us beyond what we can handle and will confirm His will through more
than one person! Don't let controlling people pull you away from a strong relationship in Christ, be wise in the scriptures so that you walk as you truly are; a VICTOR in Jesus!
In His love & Peace, Melanie.
1 comment:
This post is so refreshing, Melanie. It even challenges me to look close and see whether I have crossed those lines too... as a believer I tend to try to see the positive in everyone, but I know sometimes that has allowed certain people into my life that I should have asserted a little space from before they became too controlling.
It's no easy task, is it?
I'm bookmarking this post today, I need to come back to it more than once!
Thanks, Mel. Hugs!
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